[ She turns on the video because she knows it will be easier for Cass that way, but she can't quite make herself look at the screen. She still feels so guilty, and now she feels guilty for poking at this particular wound. ]
Hey, so... I got this thing. [ The memory share visor is in her hands - the screen is purple, of course. ] And I know we haven't really talked about it, but I owe you an explanation, for... disappearing, after the gang war.
This would be easier, for me. [ She wouldn't have to try to keep talking while going over some really painful memories. ] But the thing is, it isn't pretty. So if you don't want to know, or if you want to just move on, that's fine. I just thought I'd offer.
[ She'd tried to... make a point but she hadn't used enough words. She always feels like she doesn't use enough but more always seems to dilute the point. ]
[ Steph understands, but she really isn't sure how to communicate how all of this makes her feel. Revisiting those memories is bad enough for her. How much worse is it going to be for Cass? She doesn't want to cause her friend more pain than she already has.
She takes a deep breath and lets it out. They'll get through this. ]
[ She shrugs. It's a complicated question. She was never really the same again after she "died", but she did have spirit. She grew into someone new, someone as whole and valuable as the person she lost. ]
I came back, I picked up the pieces. I was Spoiler again. So yeah, I guess I got what I needed.
[ She knows the true answer, but debates for a moment over whether or not to give it. ]
No.
I'm not going to tell you it was a good decision, or a right one. It hurt a lot of people, me included. But you have to understand, I wasn't looking for a solution. I was looking for a way out. Even a bad one.
[ She sighs, runs a hand through her hair. She doesn't know what she expects. She just knows how much ill will Tim harbored over this, and how for so long she felt like maybe it would have been better if she had just stayed dead. ]
I don't know, Cass. I let you think I was dead. I can't imagine that feels good. I should have talked to you, or Tim, or anyone. Instead I just ran.
[ She isn't sure what she'd have said before this moment, or if she was in the timeline with Stephanie. But where she is, where she's from, Stephanie is too freshly gone for her to feel anything but relief and joy. She got to feel what Steph felt in that memory and that means she got to understand in a way she seldom feels like she does for thing as conflicted as Stephanie was. That empathy is a strong argument for her. ]
I'm just glad you're not dead.
I'd rather you ran than you were dead.
Even gone, you... you saved me at one of my darkest moments.
[ She's surprised to feel just the slightest bit of wetness at the corner of her eye. She rubs it away with a small smile. There's so much hurt back there, only a couple of years in her past. But Cass is her best friend, and she always will be. ]
I'm glad. I'm glad I could do that for you. I'm just sorry I never gave you the chance to do the same for me.
Someone who cares about me, who could make me feel better? Someone to keep me safe, and stop me from doing anything stupid? It's a terrible kind of sense.
[ Her voice is soft, questioning, but gently. Even if she can see the smiling, she can see more in the video and it makes this whole thing feel very fragile. Not like something she could break, but a moment she could drop the ball on. ]
I was going to, but you were always busy with one thing or another. I never got the chance. Then when we moved in together it had been so long, I guess neither of us wanted to bring it up.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
video;
Hey, so... I got this thing. [ The memory share visor is in her hands - the screen is purple, of course. ] And I know we haven't really talked about it, but I owe you an explanation, for... disappearing, after the gang war.
This would be easier, for me. [ She wouldn't have to try to keep talking while going over some really painful memories. ] But the thing is, it isn't pretty. So if you don't want to know, or if you want to just move on, that's fine. I just thought I'd offer.
audio
I want to know.
video
Alright, I'll upload it.
audio
If you want to. If you don't want to.
But I want to know. However you want to.
video
She takes a deep breath and lets it out. They'll get through this. ]
I'm uploading it. And I'm sorry.
[ This is going to hurt. ]
(after she's seen it)
Did your spirit return?
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I came back, I picked up the pieces. I was Spoiler again. So yeah, I guess I got what I needed.
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[ That's really what she wants to know. What she needs to know? ]
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No.
I'm not going to tell you it was a good decision, or a right one. It hurt a lot of people, me included. But you have to understand, I wasn't looking for a solution. I was looking for a way out. Even a bad one.
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[ She sighs, runs a hand through her hair. She doesn't know what she expects. She just knows how much ill will Tim harbored over this, and how for so long she felt like maybe it would have been better if she had just stayed dead. ]
I don't know, Cass. I let you think I was dead. I can't imagine that feels good. I should have talked to you, or Tim, or anyone. Instead I just ran.
no subject
I'm just glad you're not dead.
I'd rather you ran than you were dead.
Even gone, you... you saved me at one of my darkest moments.
I never wanted to punish you for going away.
I just wanted you to come back.
I don't even know how to be mad.
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I'm glad. I'm glad I could do that for you. I'm just sorry I never gave you the chance to do the same for me.
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I'm
Everything you ran away from.
What you did made sense.
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Someone who cares about me, who could make me feel better? Someone to keep me safe, and stop me from doing anything stupid? It's a terrible kind of sense.
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[ Her voice is soft, questioning, but gently. Even if she can see the smiling, she can see more in the video and it makes this whole thing feel very fragile. Not like something she could break, but a moment she could drop the ball on. ]
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I'm not sure Tim ever forgave me for leaving. I stopped asking.
[ And nobody has ever asked her about her reasons. She always just assumed they felt the same way Tim did. ]
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But I hope you came back to talk to me. When you're from.
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I do want to know. And I'm not mad.
But it will mean a lot to me to know.
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[ She's not sure Cass won't have changed her mind, after everything that happened, but she'll ask.
And if it doesn't go well, they'll always have Proserpine. ]